My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
sin harder.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
May never get over this
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2