My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do