My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
We decided to have money instead of children.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?