My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.