Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

Hello Twits.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.