Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out