Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Never forget.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.