My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Netflix and you sit over there.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
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