My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Breaking news:
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I’ve been drinking.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*