My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

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First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*


Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question.

Boss: Better than anyone else I know…


I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.


Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.


Prince: “The slipper fits! You’re the girl I met!”
Girl: “I wasn’t even at the ball. This is a common shoe size.”
Prince: “YOU’RE THE GIRL!”


Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*


‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah


Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.