My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.