My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?