My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Girl, same.