Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

accurate

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

never ask a starfish for directions

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.