My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing