Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

getting old is fun

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.