My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.