My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
You Might Also Like
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.