Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”