Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

pizza

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

i did the math

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.