My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
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{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*