My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
You Might Also Like
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
🍂🕷️🍂
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”