My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
You Might Also Like
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My life in a nutshell
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Just added something to my bucket list.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.