My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Order here:
More here:
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’