My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I feel attacked.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.