Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

😜

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

You have been warned.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!