My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
They did not miss in the small print
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real