My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
This came to me in a dream.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Why is this me 😫
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.