Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!