*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
