Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”