Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Went to the spa* this morning!

*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

What my back needs

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME