Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

me and the Superbowl rn

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

That took me a moment.