My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
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my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.