Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.