My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.