My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day