My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting