Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.