My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
rapatouille
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.