My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Life cycle of cat
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok