My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
me adding lol on a serious message
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
You can’t rush stupid.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.