Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.