Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

i baked you a cake

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.