My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
