My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
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The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
repaired
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”