Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.