My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
You Might Also Like
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
The opposite of goth is stopth.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
