My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
They’re really bad with fonts.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Oops 🤭
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there