Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles