My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
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You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear