Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

security at the airport getting more straightforward

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.