My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?