My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Today’s tshirt
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”