My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
This dude got his own movie?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
How to make infinite energy.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people