Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Brands during Pride

even bears disappoint their mothers

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.