My daughter told me she got her boyfriend by approaching him to feel his hoodie, and saying “this feels like boyfriend material” and now I don’t know what to do with this information.
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.