my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
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PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
got so much cardio in today
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.