My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
You Might Also Like
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue