My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”