Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?