Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?