my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
You Might Also Like
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Mornin
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.