my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
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Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry