my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
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Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
reduce, reuse, recycle
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face