My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.