My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good