My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
😭😭😭
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Going to church you guys need anything
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Twitter is an abusement park.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.