Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?