My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough