My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
podcasts
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair