Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.