My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
You Might Also Like
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?