My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
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*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Put a ring on it
Weirdos gonna weird.