My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
me
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
May have had one breakfast too many
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season