My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
This week’s mood.
