My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts